seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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