No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
How does it feel to date your dad?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
