after a month anything with tits is on the radar
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
