I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
