I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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