i think my tv is drunk
Jerry, you need to find god
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
