seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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