Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
