grandma shit on top of the toilet
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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