i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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