I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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