Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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