if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
