It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
