someone owes me an orgasm
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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