I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
