I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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