I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
