I should be sponsored by Trojan
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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