So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
