ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
