I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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