I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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