It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
