I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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