Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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