Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
