I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
