After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
