The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Girls should come with a carfax report
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
