so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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