Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You made out with two different species that night
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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