but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
