I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
