Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
