Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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