Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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