i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
