get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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