I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
