The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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