glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
