remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
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