Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
