alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
