that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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