I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
