He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
