the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
