he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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