I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
